"Listen if I don't go now I'm going to unload all over my Shalwar and then what are you going to do?" I screamed at my cousin. He looked at me and then ran for cover.

They need to warn you about these things.

At Manchester Airport they should have a leaflet for people who go back to the promised land for the first time, entitled, 'Desi Tattu's Tattian guide' or "How to eat what you want and get away with murder." or "Three simple ways to ensure you don't unload in front of your wife-to-be."

There is nothing more painful and more relieving and I should know. I have reached both the highs and the lows.

What the hell are you supposed to do? After eating more mangos than is humanly possible the 'Desi Tattu' will suddenly feel the rumblings in his stomach. Followed by excruciating pains and a strange sweat. Something ain't right you think to yourself.

Maybe some Cola will make it better. Bad idea fizzy drinks only make it worse.

You look around to see if anyone has noticed you sweating. Thankfully no. For a moment everything is fine until you decide to go for a walk.

Another bad idea.

Now if you have a toilet everything should be fine. If not, you're screwed matey.

When you were a kid you screamed for mama who came running to your every need...at 32 you can't call anyone. At 32 the very thought of screaming just makes the pain worse. At 32 the muscles, although finely tuned, are feeling the pressure.

The walk becomes a waddle and then you decide enough is enough and look for the nearest place to let rip.

Just by chance you meet a relative. He wants to shake your hand and give you a hug. "I can't do either at the moment brother I got other things on my mind."

Now people should be understanding when it comes to such issues and appreciate a human being cannot function if he ain't 'right'. But oh no, not my boys. They think it's just a little problem that requires a minor adjustment.

Minor adjustment? A car battery might need a minor adjustment but not this engine. This one needs an oil change and quick.

I got stuck in a field once and didn't have any tissue. "Use the rocks" I remembered someone saying. Have you ever tried the rocks? Which kind of crazy person uses rocks? I used rocks and even tried the 'KEESEE' method.

And how they laughed at the Englishmen who tied too many knots in his nara. How they giggled as he urged them to find him a suitable spot. How they pointed at his facial expressions. And how they promised not to tell anyone but then told every passer-by that this is the guy who couldn't hold his mangos and did the KEESEE all wrong!

Keesee = to scrape along the floor or something else