THERE is nothing like a good game of cricket. It's the game of the masses played out over a full day in gorgeous sunshine.

Gone are the days when we had to steal a milk crate from Akhtars Grocers and use it as wickets. And it's a long time since I had to climb into someone's garden and fetch my tennis ball.

Now it's time for the real thing.

Nothing compares to the smell of freshly cut grass and the whiff of Shaf's succulent halal burgers.

Unless, of course, you don't play cricket very well. Then I'm afraid it is a laborious affair made up of embarrassing foul-ups.

The cricket season began at Pleasington this week and, having geared myself up for six or seven days, I had thought of coming on to the pitch and making a ton. Much like most players who aren't very good I had decided to go through my cricketing career on the back of one average performance.

It's available on DVD and called 'Shuiab Khan's Finest Hour' and can be found next to 'Clive Lloyd's Finest Hour' in most good shops.

However, I was out third ball for zero. But I had the excuses ready. The kind of excuses any Secretary of Defence would be proud of.

"The sun was in my eyes"... "I thought it was a try ball"... "It kept pretty low that one"... "If I had hit it, I'm sure it would have gone for six"... "That was definitely a no ball"... "My box wasn't on straight so I couldn't concentrate."

Whilst fielding I dropped what most people would describe as a 'dolly'. But I was again ready.

"Lucky I even got close to that one"... "Did you see how hard he hit that?"... "I wasn't ready"... "I think I'm injured"... "I slipped"... "I didn't take my box out so I couldn't concentrate."

Whilst bowling I was hit out of the ground repeatedly. Once again the excuses saved the day.

"It's the ball, it keeps slipping out of my hand"... "I didn't warm up"... "It's early days yet"... "Didn't he used to play for Somerset in the eighties?".... "I think my box is stuck."

IN every battle there is a good guy and a bad guy, just like Tom and Jerry.

The problem is these days I don't know who the bad guy.

It seems when we lock POWs up we, the 'civilised' people of the world, hand out the same punishment as our 'uncivilised' predecessors.

But it seems if you have an excuse for everything and anything, then nothing is impossible.