I got a problem and the doctor can't help. So instead of just suffering I thought I might go and see this geezer who knows a thing a two.

'Shut up don't talk like that!' ...'Don't you dare say anything against them'....'If you say anything I swear it will be bad luck.'..they say.

You know the ones they give some things to put in your house and so forth. Sometimes they give you stuff to put in someone else's house so that person gets bad luck. I'm sure someone had done that to me. I couldn't do anything right so I took some advice and decided to go and see this fella. He told me there was nothing wrong with me and I left. Jolly nice bloke too, gave me tea and biscuits.

He certainly was intelligent and you could tell he knew a thing or two. I wish there were more people like him.

Not satisfied, I got told I should ring this other 'wise man' based somewhere in Essex who deals with depression. Baba...something or other. I rung him and ten others. They told me the obvious and wanted to keep me on the line for as long as possible. I realised why when I got my phone bill!!!!!

Disheartened I went to see this geezer who wanted fifteeen quid even before I said a word. I only had a tenner but he wouldn't let me go. I ended up cleaning his windows and yard. I wouldn't have done that but I heard he was from Bradford.

Three hours later I sat down and waited in his front room. He took his time and arrived with two other men.

He told me a neighbour was wishing bad things would happen to me.

'Bernard' I thought, 'I ain't got no beef with Bernard?'

'No the other other one' he said.

'I haven't got any other one.'

'Oh' he replied. 'Then you need to say this twenty times and take this and put it in your cupboard.'

Remarkably things took a turn for the worse. I felt really peeved off all the time and I found it hard getting up in the morning. I also felt like watching Indian films and eating chicken kebabs with extra chilli and garlic at funny hours during the night.

I returned to the the man. This time armed with fifteen quid. Unfortunately the price had doubled. Six windows front and back later he came back into the front room, this time armed with a size ten 'service' juthee.

He asked me to lie on the floor - face down.

'Now, my dear friend what seems to be the problem this week.'

"I'm kinda depressed and all that. Since you gave me that gear things seem to have gotten worse.'

'Right then, I think we'll have to beat the b****** out of you.'

I braced myself.

Nothing happened. I looked up and he was gone.

I lay there for a bit in case he went for a quick slash. Minutes later an older gentleman walked into the room.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing and for god's sake put your clothes back on!'

Embarrassed and cold I got up and asked him what happened to the 'wise man' with the funny hat.

'There's no wise man here idiot. That's my cousin. He comes over to clean the house every Thursday."