THERE are experts and there are those who know a thing or two about food.

I unfortunately know very little about food but when I go into an Indian Restaurant I become a different person.

I don't change clothes or anything like that although sometimes I wish I did on a more regular basis. But they only have a Next sale twice a year.

But I become an expert, and there are many like me who think just because they have Indian food at home they can then order for everyone else.

The waiter usually knows what he's going to get when myself and three others enter a restaurant.

'Five naans, one keema, one chicken and one lamb dish please sir'.

'And hold the poppadoms, brother.'

We're not getting charged three quid for them. We're not stupid you see. Only the late-night club party order everything on the menu. We, on the other hand, have been trained by our mamas and know exactly what's right and what isn't.

And oh, we order everything in Punjabi so there's no mistakes.

It's not about saving on the pennies but the fact that we know more about Indian food than anyone else. Or so I thought, but with curry being more popular than sliced bread these days a new kind of expert has emerged.

One who is not from the sub-continent. One who knows more about curry than John Major and one who is confident enough to tell me what he thinks.

At a recent visit I noticed two things. Firstly, I am no expert and secondly you should never try something different unless you have already tried it before. (Then obviously it doesn't become something different.)

Having ordered the usual dishes we found ourselves with two empty dishes and one full untouched bowl. The man on the next table named Bernard came over and took a seat.

'First timers eh?'

We looked at each other. Who the hell did he think he was talking to?

'No, we're regulars.'

'So how come you didn't order the lamb special and decided to go for this prawn rubbish, which none of you have even touched. Only mama's boys and novices order that kind of stuff.'

You should have ordered an extra karahi chicken dish, medium hot and with it a jug of water. With this mango Lassi you've gone and filled yourselves up far too early.

'The meat naans are also very good and so is the chicken tikka starter. I can't believe you've gone and ordered the keema and the lamb -- they're both made from the same thing you know."

I paused for a minute then looked at my table. My god he was right and he didn't speak a word of Punjabi.