No longer the good old days?

Tradition and religion run side by side so closely that a lot of the times they will indeed fuse together to the point where a clear distinction of the two becomes impossible.

Our tradition warrants the youngest son to live at home with his wife and offspring. This would then ensure the parents have carers and a social life.

The daughters-in-law no longer accept this and want to live separately. There is no right or wrong in this as the argument for both sides is equally convincing.

The old folk never had a social life, as there was never a call for it as the grand children, brother's sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts were always there.

We no longer desperately keep in contact with any individual from the same city or village as ourselves in Pakistan. We avoid going to our aunt's house as she is a twisted gossiping individual and we would much rather watch Eastenders anyway.

Our parents would always loath having to go to family gatherings, weddings or functions of those relatives they really did not give two hoots about but not going was never an option. After all they are family and families stick together (my god now I sound like the Slaters from Eastenders).

In the old days a keen eye had to be kept out if you were to leave school premises at lunchtime to get yourself a palatable bag of chips in case your uncle saw you.

You see in those days uncle and dad were the same thing and if you were spotted by the man from down the road then you knew there would be hell to pay as he would have every right to give you an earful as well as letting your parents in on his discovery.

To find out more I contacted contacted Apna Ghar meaning 'Our Home' based at Bangor Street Community centre. The organisation had been set up to help the older people of the Asian community with a referral from Blackburn with Darwen Borough Council.

The services available include a freshly cooked halal meal, personal care such as bathing and hairdressing and social and therapeutic activities.

The thoughts of one wise woman seemed to hit home. "I remember when children had fear in them, had a sense of respect and acknowledgement of the family name and what it stood for.

"In those days the local old man would discipline the straying teenager as he felt he had the right to do this. In fact any member of the family would stand in. All the uncles and aunties were like surrogate mums and dads and in my day that family network meant something.

"Old people should face reality that those days are gone now never to return.

"We should all change with the times, advise the young, never order them or risk the child resenting you."

Wise words from a wise woman.

So here we are in 2004 with the third generation in the throws of youth. We look back with fondness to the good old days.

Was it really that good or are we conveniently forgetting the bad as the positive memories were the ones that stayed with us?

In the sixties did our parents really think that they could come to a foreign land and we would remain untarnished by the external influences and western society we decided to live amongst?

Forty-odd years and three generations later we send our old to the local community centre for arts and crafts and gentle exercise.

In a time gone by arts and crafts would be Granny sitting in her chair stitching a duvet for her grandson and gentle exercise would be grandfather taking his granddaughter to the petrol pump for an ice-lolly.

I was deeply saddened and affected by the thought of the proud man who upped and left all his extended family behind to come to a foreign land where he knew not a single individual or the language.

He took this step to make a better life for them and he now has to have his bathing needs met.

Yes they were the good old days. What has happened to us? We seem to have not only adopted the western fashion with the boys in baseball caps and the girls in their Diesel jeans but we have taken on the insular thinking of 'me' instead of 'we'.

I am in full support of the daughter-in-law wanting her own home but come on, where are the daughters and sons?

To me it is an unspoken contract, as babies our parents feed, clothe and look after us and in old age we reciprocate.

We were a tight community once and communities are made up of families, so when the nuts and bolts are no longer as tightly in place is there any wonder that cracks will begin to develop?

I am not saying we can recreate the sixties but if we take responsibility for our own family members maybe just maybe we can regain that love, bond loyalty and respect that the Asian family system was renowned for.