CASH bonus for parents, 'Help for stay-at-home mums,' -- I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels cynical to say the least about such newspaper headlines.

They are, in my opinion, waffle, intended only to grab votes before being forgotten.

I've got newspaper cuttings going back years, with politicians from all parties promising allowances for mothers to work or stay at home, affordable childcare, all sorts of so-called helpful incentives.

And what has happened? Well, from where I'm sitting in my so-called 'middle income' family absolutely nothing.

Are we better off? No. In fact, things are worse. There may be wrap-around school care, breakfast and after-school clubs, but -- if you're lucky enough to get a place -- they have to be paid for, and they don't come cheap.

I'm certainly not going to raise a glass to such fresh air pledges, and neither are my friends. Mention the words 'help' and 'childcare', and we all switch off completely. We know we're never going to get it -- well, not so it REALLY makes a difference -- so we've stopped hankering after it.

However, there are things we do want. Every month we toil hard and use our very last pennies to bring up our children. So how about the following deals -- not for the kids, but for us:

A weekly sum to spend on a full make-over and hair-do. We may have nothing better to do but we want to look gorgeous when we pick our children up from school. Dads could splash out on all those male grooming products they keep in the bathroom and pretend they know how to use.

An annual freebie to New York for groups of up to four mums. Just before Christmas would be nice, because the shops will be full of such lovely things.

Oh, and a small sum, of maybe £500, each to spend (on ourselves of course, no shooting off to the toy department in Macy's or anything like that, oh no) while there would be nice.

Oh, and business class would be good, so we can stretch out our legs in our beautiful new shoes.

The same for dads, only to destinations they would like. Downtown Bangkok for my husband, or possibly the potting sheds at Kew Gardens.

Vouchers similar to those for baby milk, that entitle adults to one take-away meal and a decent (in our house that's anything over £3.99) bottle of wine every week.

After so much expenditure on children's cereal (mine get through 287 boxes of Frosties, 161 boxes of Cocoa Pops and 99 boxes of shredded wheat every week).

And then there are the chicken nuggets (9,433 bags), pizzas (5,222) oven chips (7,112 bags) and bags of crisps (5.2 million), we are left surviving on Cup-a-Soup, economy bread and whatever sweets we can squirrel away from our daughters' party bags.

Free TV licences. Why should the over 70s get them, when we are the ones for whom the television is so vital? Sitting on a little table at the side of our living room, the set takes on a God-like importance. To us, it is the only relaxation tool we own (no, my husband hasn't got a mini-gym and I don't order from Ann Summers). And it also acts as childminder, so there really is a case for having it for nothing.

These measures would certainly improve our life as parents. There would be things to look forward to, and no need for any childcare as the mums' and dads' annual holiday package would be taken at different times.

Parents are all so disillusioned, so depressed, so down, these incentives would really perk us up. Now I'll just wait for a forward-looking MP to propose them.