FIDDLE-DE-DEE, the panto season is upon us again - nowhere more celebrated than in the Land of Morecambe Bay.

Is it inhabited by midgets or giants, children? Well, we will just have to wait and see...

The band strikes up and with a great swish the big curtain opens to reveal the actors in their varying colours - though red seems to dominated.

Curiously the backing chorus is made up of cardboard cut-out figures, some of them looking rather familiar.

A clash of cymbals and a roll of drums heralds the arrival of Widow Twanky, perilously perched on a penny farthing and lustily singing 'Cycling, cycling all the way', a tune that is sometimes known as Blood on the Prom.

She warbles: "Bicycle bells will ring, ding-a-ling-ling'.

Cue the Principal Boy to point out that the deaf won't hear them.

But being a stranger to common sense the dotty dame trills on: "Bicycle lanes painted on the prom, tiddley pom'.

Cue the Principal Girl to say the blind and visually impaired won't see them.

The elves and the fairies swoon and groan in unison but the cardboard chorus keep a low profile - with ears that do not hear and eyes that do not see.

But wait children, what is that eerie sound creeping round the theatre and where is it coming from? Gadzooks! It's the cardboard chorus of councillors Can'tspeak, Couldn'tcareless and the daddy of them all, Councillor Couldn'tpossiblycomment.

Just what is that awful sound that renders the other players so motionless? Oh no, it isn't! Oh yes it is! Silence...

And the band plays on.

Mrs I Sutcliffe, Bare.