I have heard many a stupid question in my lifetime but the latest to join the list left me totally baffled.

I was in my local chippy and in sauntered three young gentlemen who decided to try it on with the shop owner.

"Is the dab (potato and batter) halal?" asked one of the three wise men.

The owner looked as baffled as I did and began explaining how everything was cooked in vegetable oil and so forth.

At which point I could take it no more and asked if the fish was halal and if the chips had been blessed. There was an embarrassing silence all round.

Now I'm all for being inquisitive about what we eat and whether it meets our religious requirements but don't do it having just smoked a joint on your way in.

It defeats the purpose and makes the likes of me very confused.

I had thought it was okay to have fish, chips and curry sauce until I was told you have to check the curry sauce to see if it's halal.

And the fish was okay as long it was wasn't cooked in the same oil as the sausages.

When I grew up a bit I was offered barbecue flavoured crisps. I didn't eat them because I wasn't stupid and I knew barbecue had to be wrong.

But then they said it was only flavouring and I could eat them if I wanted -- and chicken flavour, too.

Just stay away from bacon flavoured crisps, they are definitely out, I was warned.

A little while later I came across the potato pie. That confused the hell out of me. There was no way I was eating that, so I settled for a meat and potato pie -- because I was told it had no meat in it!

Cheese and onion pie came under scrutiny because you couldn't tell if they had any animal fat in the pastry.

Years passed by and I went off to live in another town, away from all those who showed me the way, and came across some salmon.

Rather than risk it I never took a bite but another brother did.

Then I wandered to the kebab shop. It made some delicious donners and I filled my belly until I could see my feet no more.

I loved those donners -- so succulent, so tasty and so cheap.

Then one day, having consumed so many, they told me that shop sold non-halal meat. How? Because they knew a guy who knew a guy who worked there once.

I didn't know. Honest I didn't.