A bereaved mum says society needs to tackle the taboo and stigma around child loss and says people “crossed the street” to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation with her, after the death of her son.
Earby singer Kiki Deville, patron of Derian House Children’s Hospice in Chorley, has written a debut novel called What Not to Say: A Practical Guide To Supporting Bereaved Parents.
It is aimed at the friends and family of people who have suffered the loss of a child, and want to support them.
Her baby son Dexter died at Derian House in 2007, aged just one month and three days, after being born with a rare genetic condition called Zellweger Syndrome. Kiki is now a passionate advocate for the hospice’s work and opening up the conversation about child loss.
“For the longest time, I feel we have left bereaved parents to deal with their loss alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, it should take a village to bury one and help that family navigate their way back into the real world again,” said Kiki.
“I felt incredibly isolated when Dexter died. That was 17 years ago and we have come a really long way since then.
"Nobody wanted to talk about it and people would cross the street rather than have to talk about it. That is not unusual and it’s a really common thing to happen.
“When we make people feel like they’re alone in the world all we are doing is making it worse for them. We need to put our discomfort aside for a moment, listen to them and everyone will feel better in the long run.”
Kiki, best known for her TV work after appearing on season three of The Voice UK and as a judge on reality TV show All Together Now, said the aim of the book is to help people to say the correct things, not to shame them.
She said: “There is a kind of loneliness that comes with losing a child that makes you feel alone amongst a crowd of people, and I wanted to explain that to people.
"We are so bad at talking about death even though it is the most inevitable thing we know. This book is about helping people understand that it is ok to talk about it – in fact, it is not just okay, but crucial that we do.”
She hopes the book, which gives readers a practical guide of exactly what to say and do, will help both bereaved parents and their loved ones.
Contrary to what readers may expect, the book is written using humour, and is as direct as it is moving.
“I wanted to open up the conversation and help people understand that there are ways to help but they probably haven’t been shown them,” said Kiki.
“We often avoid bereaved parents because we don’t know what to say. This book is about giving people the knowledge and tools to help bereaved parents.
“I also wanted to help people understand that whilst our child’s death changes us, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t still whole human beings. We can still be fun, capable, and dynamic. We might be broken, but we are not fragile.”
Writing the book was a cathartic experience for Kiki and a way to honour Dexter, who would be celebrating his 17th birthday on the day of the book’s official release on September 12, 2024.
“Writing the book came with a lot of big feelings,” said Kiki.
“Any time I get to tell the world about Dexter is a gift, so writing about him and telling his story in a bid to help other bereaved parents is such an incredible way to honour him.
“It’s my job as his mother to keep his memory alive.”
Although Kiki is an experienced and accomplished songwriter, this is her first book.
Before producing the book, she undertook a writing course with Authors & Co, and was mentored by the Sunday Times best-selling author, Heidi Mavir, who guided her through the process.
When asked what impact she hopes the book will have, Kiki said: “I want people to understand that talking about our children is the greatest gift you can give.
“Saying their names, acknowledging their very existence, is such a powerful way to show us that you care, and that you truly want to help. It is ok to be upset and it is ok to show that. You can cry, and you can have your feelings too.
“I want to show that we can talk about this stuff with love and humour, but also be honest and direct about the things that hurt and the things that help.”
As well as helping others, Kiki said the book has helped her to honour Dexter.
“As I held him through his final breaths, I promised Dexter that I would make sure the world knew his name,” she said.
“He has made me understand what it is to be a better human and a more caring version of myself. He helped me realise that my mission in life is to make the world a better and more empathic place for bereaved parents and to create platforms for those families to tell their children’s stories.”
You can buy the book on Amazon by searching ‘What Not To Say: A Practical Guide to Supporting Bereaved Parents’.
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