Summer is finally in full swing, and for many that means holidays, relaxation, and quality time with loved ones.

It can also bring to light some underlying patterns in our relationships, both personal and professional. One is something known as ‘people-pleasing’.

People-pleasing is the act of prioritising others’ needs and desires over one’s own. It’s about constantly seeking approval and validation, often at the expense of personal boundaries and wellbeing. While it might seem like a harmless trait, it can lead to significant stress, burnout, and resentment in the long run.

So why do we do it? The roots often lie in our childhood. We learn from a young age to seek approval from our caregivers. This can lead to a deep-seated belief that our worth is determined by how others perceive us. In some cases, people-pleasing can be a coping mechanism for low self-esteem or fear of rejection.

At work, people-pleasing can mean taking on excessive workloads, avoiding conflict, and constantly seeking praise. You might find yourself saying 'yes' to every request, even when you’re already overwhelmed.

This can lead to burnout, decreased job satisfaction, and a blurred work-life balance. It’s important to remember being a team player is different from being a doormat.

In our personal lives, people-pleasing can show up in various ways. Perhaps you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own, sacrificing your interests to accommodate family or friends. You might avoid expressing your feelings to keep the peace or fear of causing conflict. This can lead to resentment, feeling undervalued, and strained relationships.

It's crucial to recognise people-pleasing is not a sign of weakness but rather a learned behaviour, which means it can be unlearned. The first step is to acknowledge the pattern and its impact. Ask yourself if you consistently prioritise others’ needs over your own. Do you find yourself saying 'yes' when you really want to say 'no'? Are you constantly seeking validation from others? Answering these questions honestly can be the first step towards change.

Remember, it's okay to set boundaries and prioritise your own needs. It’s about finding a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. Saying 'no' doesn't make you selfish - it makes you assertive. It’s essential to communicate your feelings and needs openly and honestly.

Summer can be a great time for some healthy self-reflection. Take some time to assess your relationships and identify any people-pleasing tendencies.

n Martin Furber is a qualified therapist and an Instructor Member of Mental Health First Aid England wellbeing@martinfurber.com