WHERE do I start to describe my phone call with Freddie Starr? It was as confusing as it was amusing.
He started off charming, singing Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline to me.
Then it descended into the downright bizarre. What inspired you to go into comedy? I asked him.
"Adolf Hitler," he answered.
"Not really, it was Pope John Paul, but he passed away and it wasn't Pope Benedict.
"He should've been the real Pope but he had a stupid name, that's why he didn't get the job.
"No, it was the Taliban really. Like when you go to the airport and a woman with a Captain Scarlet cap on asks you if you packed the case yourself.
"I say 'No, I was watching Coronation Street when there was a knock on the door and a guy in a turban with 'Taliban' written on it said 'I've come to pack your case'."
Erm, OK, next question. What makes him happy?
"When my chickens lay eggs. I've got hundreds of them."
And what is his idea of hell? "Doing a show at the Circus Tavern in Essex."
Why? "Because I've been playing there for 25 years. It's like: Oh no, not again'."
Freddie listed his comedy heroes as Les Dawson, Larry Grayson and Tommy Cooper.
He didn't seem impressed with any more modern performers.
"I don't really pay attention to them," he said. "They just do observational comedy. I was doing that 30 years ago."
Somehow, Lenny Henry's name comes up in conversation.
"I don't like him," said Freddie. "Not really, I love him. He's a lovely man actually.
"When I'm at home I'm very quiet," Freddie confided - in answer to my question 'What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?"' "Only people that are close to me know what I'm really like.
"I just let the myths around Freddie Starr being outrageous continue but when I'm off stage I'm totally different.
"I'm like a Jekyll and Hyde character. Off-stage I'm quiet.
"Sometimes people think I'm being miserable. I'm not, I just like to keep myself to myself.
"I'm a bit of a recluse actually. But when I get on stage it's like blood to a shark and I can feel my personality change.
"Not many people know the real Freddie Starr. They put the myth before the man."
We all know which myths Freddie is talking about.
In 1986, The Sun carried as its main headline 'FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER'. According to the story, Starr had been staying with friends in Cheshire when he returned from a performance at a Manchester nightclub in the early hours of the morning and demanded they make him a sandwich. When they refused, he went into the kitchen and put their pet hamster Supersonic between two slices of bread and proceeded to eat it.
It's widely known now that the story was made up. But the rumour dogged Starr's career.
Freddie comes across as a rather sad character when he describes his routine.
"Nobody is a bigger critic than me," he said. "After a show I come off stage and I might have a three-and-a-half hour drive home. On the drive I'll think what I've done on stage that night and nobody is a worse critic of myself than me in that car on the way home."
What can we expect of his show in Colne? I ask him.
"Don't ask me that," he said. "How am I supposed to know? I haven't got a clue what I'm going to do when I go on stage.
"The only thing I know is what the first song I'm going to sing will be."
Then he's off again.
"The shows in Colne. Cologne. It's a lovely smelling town."
- See Freddie Starr live at Colne Muni on Thursday. For tickets call 01282 661234.
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